


drowning in you

by PeculiarHeadphones



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anyways, Descriptions of a Panic Attack, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Illness, Mentions of Panic Attacks, Mutual Pining, at first i was gonna make this into an icarus and apollo parallel but, au where everythings fine and todd has a job and dirk wasnt kidnapped and eVERYTHINGS JUST FINE, idk that would take too long and im lazy lol, okay mostly angst but, theres some fluff too, yknow just read the notes lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 03:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12379707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeculiarHeadphones/pseuds/PeculiarHeadphones
Summary: todds eyes are like an ocean, and dirk is drowningaka, the whole icarus thing is only partially mentioned in the very beginning but whatever amirite





	drowning in you

Dirk could never really recall why he was categorized as Project Icarus. Nor did he ever really care, but every once and awhile the question would spring up into his mind. He just could never find any connection.The tale of Icarus involves flying too close to the sun, then his wings melting away, and Icarus crashing into the sea and drowning.

Dirk never got wings like Icarus. Dirk never had any shot at freedom, he was always a puppet to the universe, he never got his wings. While Dirk would admit he seemed impulsive at times, that was only because he was being pulled around by the whim of the universe. 

The only connection to truly be made was that Dirk almost always felt as if he were drowning. Freewill was something almost foreign to him. Everywhere he went was always connected to something. He knew things only when and where the universe needed him too. His abilities only in use at the times the universe felt they were necessary, and if he were to go against the universe, there would be dire consequences.

Dirk didn’t have a power, a power had Dirk.

Knowing all of this, it was no wonder Dirk constantly felt as though the air couldn’t reach his lungs. Some days it took a physical toll, and Dirk couldn’t help but break down. It would always feel like an eternity, his lungs wouldn’t work and his mind would be in a frenzy. His hands wouldn’t feel like his hands and the world felt as though it were about to collapse.

There was one instance, however, where Dirk didn’t mind the feeling of drowning.

Todd’s eyes always resembled the ocean. They were completely mesmerizing, and Dirk often had to remind himself to breathe, although it didn’t quite feel as though the air was actually hitting his lungs.

Dirk isn’t as oblivious to his own emotions as one might expect him to be. When you’ve been on your own for as long as Dirk has, you learn all about the inner workings of your emotions. So Dirk picked up rather quickly that he held feelings for Todd. And he hated it.

When it came to individual people, Dirk was clueless. He didn’t know if the universe would intervene, nor care, about any relationships that Dirk might get involved in. While he tried to remain optimistic, he figured that since most aspects of his life were dictated by the universe, this one would be as well.

There were moments where he had hope. Such as when Todd started leaving the door unlocked so that Dirk wouldn’t have to break in or climb through the window. Or how when he would dig through Todd’s cupboards he would every once and awhile tea bags. 

Most days, when Dirk came over, Todd would come home to find Dirk fast asleep on his couch. Today was one of those days. As often as this happens, it had practically become just another routine for Todd to grab a blanket and drape it over Dirk’s sleeping frame. Todd chuckled to himself and sat down, leaning against the couch. He tapped his hands on the floor, and looked over at Dirk. Who was beginning to stir awake.

“When did you get here?” Dirk asked tiredly, sitting up and stretching.

“Just now,” Todd answered, standing up only to sit back down on the couch. Dirk scooted ever-so closer to Todd. Todd smiled, and silence settled between the two, but whether or not it was awkward was in question.

This also was a part of the routine. There was always this feeling that both desperately wanted to tell the other something, but hadn’t the words to say it. From that point on it was usually small talk until Dirk finally went home.

Once Dirk left, Todd walked over and collapsed onto his bed, letting out a long sigh. Each and every day he got more and more confused as to how exactly he felt about Dirk. This was usually a topic he would try his best to avoid, however, you can’t run from your feelings forever. Perhaps the next time Dirk came over he could sort it out once and for all.

This plan was stunted, given as it had been three days, and the most contact he had had with Dirk was small talk over text. Said small talk was only initiated by Todd, which was reversed from how their text conversations usually started.

Something was off, Todd could tell. He may not have been psychic, or whatever the hell Dirk was, but he knew enough to know when his best friend was upset. 

During this time, Todd had come to a couple conclusions.

One, he should probably get out more. Since his time wasn’t preoccupied with Dirk, the portion of the day where he wasn’t at work was filled with Todd lounging around his apartment, looking over at the door, waiting for Dirk to walk in.

Two, during the time away from Dirk, Todd had realized something. He liked Dirk. A lot. For a long time. How Todd wasn’t able to notice something in his own self, he didn’t know. But then again, he had a tendency to ignore and occasionally repress emotions.

Todd couldn’t take any more of this. He grabbed his jacket and nearly ran out the door.

He had to see Dirk.

Dirk didn’t really know how long it had been since he had left his apartment. He rarely did anything other than sleep and sometimes eat. The drowning sensation was too much. Physically, his breathing was fine. He could recognize his hands as his own, and he was able to sort out his thoughts for the most part. He couldn’t explain it, why his head was swarming with paranoid and self deprecating thoughts.

He felt bad, he could tell from the tone of his messages that Todd was worried, but he didn’t want to bother him with his silly little problems. He didn’t want to break down in front of Todd about how he hated that he didn’t have full control and how he was so scared of getting rejected and how he finds himself unable to sleep just thinking about how he hates the idea of his feelings being unrequited and-

There was a knock on the door.

Dirk couldn’t remember if he had locked his door or not, so he just held his breath and prayed that whoever was there would just go away.

Todd slowly turned the door knob, and peeked his head in, looking around for Dirk, who was sitting in a fetal position in the kitchen. Dirk looked up to see Todd slowly making his way over to him. He froze, unsure of what to say or how to react. Todd eventually got to Dirk, and sat beside him.

There wasn’t a single noise to be heard for who knows how long, until Todd finally broke the silence.

“Are...are you okay?” Todd turned his head to look at Dirk, who just simply shook his head.

Todd scrambled for something to say. 

“Do you….wanna talk about it?”

Dirk pondered a moment before answering.

“The whole world constantly feels like it’s about to collapse. I hardly have any control over anything, I just do what I’m told to do by a universe that doesn’t care. And the one thing that I just might be able to control is something that I can’t really control. It’s just….too much.” Dirk rubbed his temples, then dropped his hands to either side of his body. And on impulse, Todd took ahold of the one closest to him

After getting over the initial shock of Todd’s actions, Dirk squeezed Todd’s hand, and rested his head on his shoulder.

Neither knew how long they sat there, but eventually they turned to face each other once more. Todd’s blue eyes as captivating as ever. The drowning feeling slowly came back, and Todd and Dirk leaned closer until their lips connected, and Dirk felt as though he could breathe once more, if even for a little bit.

When they finally parted, they looked up at one another and smiled, squeezing each others hands. They rested their foreheads against the others.

“Can you- can you stay the night? I just, I’m not in the best place and I-” Todd cut Dirk off, pressing a kiss to Dirk’s forehead.

“Yeah, sure.”

Dirk thanked the universe for letting him have just this one thing, even if it might not last forever. The drowning feeling didn’t go away, and it probably never would. But at least now, it might become manageable.

**Author's Note:**

> hhhhhh i love these Good Boys so much and i finally found inspo to write them
> 
> i headcanon dirk w anxiety nd i really wanted to kind of explore that and see abt putting it into play with broztly. so while its not entirely depressing, its very centered around dirk dealing with anxiety and how a part of it relates to todd. idk i see a lot of writers do that thing where the mentally ill character is cured just bc they start dating someone and i wanted to show while having someone can help a lot, anxiety doesnt just go away
> 
> anywho i hope yall enjoyed this shitty ass fic lmao
> 
> if you comment on this Real Actual Dirk Gently will give you an awkward pat on the back
> 
> also if you wanna scream with my abt how amazing this show is my tumblr is peculiar-headphones, dont be a stranger!!!!


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